The Bachelor

I was ambushed this evening and for reasons that I chose not to discuss, I watched several snippets of the most horribly stupid, moronic, and asinine television show called, “The Bachelor”. I’m sure that you are all familiar with the premise. The current bachelor, a less-than-average, self-important, unemployed egoist named Jake, has to pick from four women who are all madly in love with him and want to spend the rest of their lives with him even though he may be, or actually is, currently in love with (or in lust with) three other women. I cannot begin to expound on my complete disgust with these four shameless celebrity whores because, believe it or not, words fail me. What I want to do is to inform you that if you were watching the show, you were shortchanged. There were not four sad, pride-less, princess wannabe’s, but five.

This two-hour, drama-filled episode involved Jake meeting the parents of these soul-less tarts. (I am on a hyphen tear tonight.) What you are about to read is the true (relatively speaking) account of why Jake’s encounter with the fifth woman’s family was cut from the show.

After having a phony meet-and-greet with “Bunny’s” family, sharing fake smiles with her father’s third wife (who Bunny affectionately refers to as “Mommy Three”, and faux bro’ hugs with her three brothers, two half-brothers, and step-brother, they sit down to dinner. Bunny’s father, Caleb, is stoic throughout his visit. After dinner, Jake asks Caleb if he could have a few words with him. Caleb claps his hands twice and the rest of the family scatters including the twin pit bulls – Vick and Vicki.

Before I get into the details of their conversation, I’d like to give you a little background on Caleb. Caleb was always a large, surly individual prone to violence. He spent two years in Juvie for assault and armed robbery. As a young adult he was convicted for menace (probation), and assault with intent (convicted, but overturned on appeal after the disappearance of the complainant). He was a suspect in the death of his first wife (eaten by crocodiles after falling out of their kayak in the Everglades after hours of drinking in a rundown Tiki Bar), but not indicted. His second marriage only lasted three weeks for reasons best left unsaid. Caleb only eats what he can kill or grow himself, and is adept at hunting with a rifle, crossbow, and Bowie knife. Caleb rarely smiles, has poor personal hygiene, and does not suffer fools gladly. Caleb does have a soft spot in his heart for his only daughter – Bunny. Caleb was also unaware that his daughter had gotten mixed up in something as foolish as “The Bachelor”.

Jake feels slightly uneasy in the company of Caleb, but is not alarmed since the three-man film crew is still present. Caleb sits in a hand-made rocking chair he carved from a single block of wood during his stay in prison. He stares hard at Bunny’s potential suitor and Jake fumbles with his words and stutters. Before he can formulate a complete sentence, Caleb says, “If you got something to say, just say it. I get mighty ornery when some smart ass tries to turn me all around with a bunch of fancy metaphors and oily syntax.”

Taking his cue from Caleb, Jake tells him that he has strong feelings for Bunny and wanted to know that if, just if, he selected Bunny as his bride from the remaining five women, would Caleb give his blessing to their union. (In retrospect, one of the camera crew told Jake that union was probably not the best term to use.) Caleb rocked back and forth a few times, and interrupted Jake as he started to say something else. Caleb the propped his right foot, clad in a well-worn, size 12 work boot, on the small serving table in front of him and gave Jake his response.

“Boy, one second is not a lot of time, but that is all the time you have to leave my house before I shove my right boot up your ass. Now please don’t think that this is just a colorful expression or that I intend to kick you in the seat of your designer pants. I fully intend to take off this boot, coat it with that homemade corn oil from the jar over yonder, take this here freshly sharpened hunting knife, cut off those expense pants of yours including your underdrawers if you’re wearing any, and give you a hillbilly colonoscopy. The reason I’m going to use my right boot, if you may be wondering, is that one of the nails in the heel has come loose and that will just make things that much more uncomfortable for you. And don’t slam the door on your way out.”